As grieving parents, there are moments that we just want to sit and weep and then there are moments of such lucidity in which we feel guilty to share. We are so blessed by your outpouring of support and we are honored that you are thinking of us and our son. Elan's gift is ever present, thank you for loving us. We love you.
While closing our time at the hospital, we learned enough to know that neither we, nor any of the many providers did anything wrong. We learned enough to know that what happened to Elan was not preventable. There is tremendous peace in that for us.
When we left the hospital on Saturday, our nerves were raw, fearing that looking at the nursery, the little clothes, the journals we have written for Elan during pregnancy, the high chair, etc. would send us into intense grieving and we would not be able to breathe. Instead, what we felt when we returned home was incredible peace. Elan's room is beautiful, we made great choices, we know he loves it. Our journals are testaments to the journey we have been on and the deep reflection we made in honor of our son. There is nothing to fear at home.
We cried when we opened the refrigerator and found it full. Our family and friends have surrounded us and helped fill our space with the nutrients we need to begin this phase of our life.
We held a small ceremony in our backyard yesterday to say goodbye to the physical loss of Elan and celebrate and honor him. Each person shared something personal about Elan, the anticipation of him, the loss of him, the moments of light and the moments of darkness we are all feeling. What we witnessed was healing in the most tender places. These people in our backyard stood for Elan, they stand for us, and we know you do too. There is so much to share about the ceremony and yet I don't know how to entirely do it justice. We invite anyone in attendance to share if they feel moved.
Here is what RJ shared as a tribute to our son:
Oh how we love you Elan Vie
How we celebrated you dancing in mommy’s womb
How we snuggled and held hands
How we got to know each other without ever embracing
How is it fair that we need to release you and not see what would have become of all of us in this home?
I say goodbye to all of the dreams we held for you and us together
I say goodbye to the dream of being your role model, guiding you, and watching you find your way
I say goodbye to dressing you in your fun outfits, pushing you in your stroller, and soothing the cries that we never got to hear
I say goodbye to watching your mother nurse you and the thought of the three of us cuddling in bed
I say goodbye to camping, playing in the waves, eating ice cream, monkeying, reading, and living each day with you in my arms
I say goodbye to the man I knew you would become and the journey we could have watched along the way
My Elan Vie, I say goodbye to these visions not because I want to, but because I was not given the choice
I celebrate who you were to me, the time we spent together when I read to you or kissed you or put my hand on momma to warm you and connect with you
I celebrate the love you showed me by kicking, by having such a terrific heartbeat, by passing every test, by being your sweetest and purist form
I celebrate what you have shown our community, our friends, our family; that we can share the gift of you by loving each other so deeply
You are our treasure, our affirmation of the gift of life and the pleasure of each moment
You are Elan Vie, our Elan de Vie, our sweet Elan Vie, Elan Vie
While I say goodbye to what you are no longer I welcome everything that you are to my each and every day
Today we were honored by the Buddhist Powa ceremony in our home. We will not go into detail about the ceremony, but will tell you that there were moments of great bliss in which we could feel that we were helping our son make a beautiful transition.
In gratitude and love,
RJ and Jalene