Tonight at 10:09 pm, Elan would have been 4 weeks old. We would probably be sharing photos with you, and telling our tales of baby adventures and learnings. We may be a little tired and with new tones in our expression. We would be bathing, changing, feeding and falling asleep with our son in our arms.
The reminders are everywhere on how precious it is to bring a life into this world and makes us still ask why us? Why after having such a healthy 40 weeks did our baby succumb to a bacteria in the last moments that is present in most women? How is it possible that his lungs could not take what is so routine that it is not screened for? Why could we have not gotten some warning sign, a change in heart beat, a fever in Jalene? Why do we have to be stuck in this after preparing with nothing but sacred energy? Others are blessed, some do not even value what they have and yet we have to live with this.
The autopsy conference has not happened and results are not final, but what we have learned would have changed nothing in our birthing process. Experts have told us that they would not have done anything different. We know there is peace in that and yet it is incredibly infuriating.
One of the stages of grief is acceptance. How is this acceptable? How can we ever accept that this happened? It does not mean that we cannot find meaning. We will find peace, but acceptance, who knows? Maybe it is just semantics.
We read chapters from the grief books and then we throw them against the wall. This is not fair, we shouldn't have to be reading this and you shouldn't have to be reading this.
Strength comes and it goes. We know you want us to be strong. We know you want us to eat and exercise, to do things for ourselves and have answers to small talk questions. We know you want to take it all away from us. You cannot. Know that 4 more weeks will arrive and we will still be Elan's mom and dad, that we want to talk of our son and we will still want to hold him in our arms. We are not easily distracted from him.
You can still fill us with love and peace. You can live each day fully. Hug your family and friends tightly. Say nice things to people, even strangers. Fill yourself with some meaningful activity and feel connected. Make up your own rules for life and be a good person.
Live each day in Elan's glow. Feel his champion heart and the power of compassion and love that you feel when you think of him.
Thank you to all of you who brought us meals, sent us food, flowers, plants, gave us books, held us, cried with us, and to all of you who have written to us over the last 4 weeks. Thank you for remembering our Elan and acknowledging our family. We all learn much together and through our suffering find new depths to our soul, and new ways to live.
The Spanish expression for giving birth is "dar luz", translated as to give light. We love sharing this expression as it reminds us of the beauty of child birth as the labor is so trivial when compared to the gift we are given. Life is about living in both the light and darkness, about being balanced, about rising to face each day with purpose and not being afraid when there is no illumination.
RJ and Jalene